A young person calls home from boarding school or university. Perhaps they have fallen out with a friend, feel overwhelmed by work or are finding it difficult to settle. They sound anxious and upset, and suddenly the distance between you feels much greater.
The wish to help can be immediate. You begin thinking about whom to contact, what to arrange or how to make the difficulty go away. It can feel as though being a caring parent means knowing what to do.
You can give yourself time to think about it.
Sometimes the first helpful step is to listen. To hear what has happened, acknowledge how difficult it feels and allow a little time before deciding what comes next. A young person who initially sounds overwhelmed may, through talking, begin to put their experience into words and find some room to think.
This matters because a quick solution, however well meant, can take away the chance to discover what they can manage. Anxiety at a time of change is often part of trying something new, before confidence has had time to build.
This can be hard for the parent too. Hearing your child struggle may stir your own anxiety, memories of painful experiences or a sense of helplessness at being far away. The urge to act is understandable. Recognising that urgency can make it easier to pause without feeling that you are letting them down.
You might say: “That sounds really difficult. Tell me a little more.” Later, there may be room to ask: “What do you think would help?” These questions can open a conversation in which neither of you has to carry the whole problem alone.
Sometimes they will need practical help. Sometimes they will want to think through their options with you. At other times, being heard may help them feel able to return to something that seemed unmanageable a few minutes before. If you do step in, involving them in what happens next can help them remain part of finding a way forward.
You do not have to do this alone. If the difficulties persist, deepen or begin to disrupt everyday life, it may be time to seek further support, perhaps through a GP, the school or the university’s wellbeing service.
Confidence can grow through these ordinary exchanges: bringing a worry to someone dependable, finding that it can be thought about, and gradually discovering what to do. As a parent, you do not have to remove every difficulty. Your willingness to listen and stay alongside your child can help them find their way.
